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mshellfire i created this journal a while ago but i couldn't find the will to personalize it and write something, until now.
i deleted my old dw account (dated 2011, i think) to create one that fits me and my interests more, but i want to change yet again hahahah. i guess that's just who i am, undecided and flighty as i always have been.
i've changed countless nicknames, identities, interests, i tried to adapt to my surrounding, to the trends of the moments (unsuccessfully, i might add), to the fandoms that were the most "In" that moment in time, my mind in a constant blur and my soul aching, just being there and saying: "imma, what the fuck are you doing?". i'm trying, really, i'm trying, to be my own person. the fact is, i don't even know what being my own person means. who am i? what do i really like? who knows. i have some certainties, that's for sure, some things that have always been staples for my entire life (or almost) and i'm still clinging to them desperately, like a child who's drowning because they don't know how to swim, and i'm still drowning, still learning how to keep my head above water at the age of 32.
i have long suspected i am autistic and all these behaviors, and the subsequent slew of mental health issues stemming from my abject failures at life-ing, come from my desperate attemps at masking, at trying to be normal, just like everyone else. telling my family to try and get an official diagnosis is not an option, though. they won't believe me. asking my therapist and my psychiatrist isn't an option either. 'cause the former will just say "the diagnosis isn't important, what counts is what you do to make things better" and the latter will just say, like the others: "you look people in the eyes, you can't be autistic". so, i guess i just have to endure life living like this: never fitting in, never belonging, feeling out of place anywhere i go, both online and offline, and even with my family who should "know me best". i wonder what would happen if i turned out to be autistic for real, if i found i place i just belonged to...and a person who understands me 100%. i wonder how that feels.
i deleted my old dw account (dated 2011, i think) to create one that fits me and my interests more, but i want to change yet again hahahah. i guess that's just who i am, undecided and flighty as i always have been.
i've changed countless nicknames, identities, interests, i tried to adapt to my surrounding, to the trends of the moments (unsuccessfully, i might add), to the fandoms that were the most "In" that moment in time, my mind in a constant blur and my soul aching, just being there and saying: "imma, what the fuck are you doing?". i'm trying, really, i'm trying, to be my own person. the fact is, i don't even know what being my own person means. who am i? what do i really like? who knows. i have some certainties, that's for sure, some things that have always been staples for my entire life (or almost) and i'm still clinging to them desperately, like a child who's drowning because they don't know how to swim, and i'm still drowning, still learning how to keep my head above water at the age of 32.
i have long suspected i am autistic and all these behaviors, and the subsequent slew of mental health issues stemming from my abject failures at life-ing, come from my desperate attemps at masking, at trying to be normal, just like everyone else. telling my family to try and get an official diagnosis is not an option, though. they won't believe me. asking my therapist and my psychiatrist isn't an option either. 'cause the former will just say "the diagnosis isn't important, what counts is what you do to make things better" and the latter will just say, like the others: "you look people in the eyes, you can't be autistic". so, i guess i just have to endure life living like this: never fitting in, never belonging, feeling out of place anywhere i go, both online and offline, and even with my family who should "know me best". i wonder what would happen if i turned out to be autistic for real, if i found i place i just belonged to...and a person who understands me 100%. i wonder how that feels.
